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My father just asked me something, something
I'm sure I've already answered. My mother glares at me wondering why I don't
answer. I want to, if only so they'll stop looking at me like that, but I
can't. My mind feels like it's wading through a river, sucked down by the mud.
My mouth opens, but nothing comes forth.
Gathering all my energy, I blurt out some short answer in frustration, and am told I'll
have to find some place else to live if I can't "snap out of this obnoxious
mood" and quit using the diagnosis as an excuse. I walk away not knowing
how to make them understand; I don't understand myself.
I lie in bed wishing I could feel something. The days of tears streaming down my
face for no apparent reason have passed into numbness. The part of me that is alive
feels as though it is shrinking within me, my body turning to stone, my hands tingling a
bit & feeling as though they are swelling to about three times normal size. That
live piece...soul? ....peers out of thick-cased windows of a fortress
tower...prisoner. Can a handsome prince save the princess in this fairytale?
Not today; the loving, supportive touch of devoted boyfriend makes my skin crawl causing
me to withdraw from him. In the darkness of my mind I see little cartoon characters
dancing around beating on the walls. These days I know, or at least I have been
given a name to this trapped feeling--bipolar. I listlessly long for the days when I
feel connected to the world living around me. A clumsy hand slowly reaches out to
the beloved rottweiler shoving her kind, insistent nose on my bed waiting to be
scratched.
In her deep brown liquid eyes, I see unconditional love bestowed in her by the creator of
all living creatures. Her ears twitch in questioning; she knows I am not myself, but
will wait by my side like few others while I struggle inside to return the love she
gives. Tomorrow I will force myself to venture out to the barn to see the other
saving soul in my life.
Though I can barely find the energy to crawl out of bed, the fresh, cool air helps to
clear the denseness filling my head & hindering my thoughts & movements.
Feeling the familiar nuzzling nose searching my pockets as I wrap my arms around his warm,
sleek neck, we seem to melt into each other, and I let go of the struggle & allow this
beautiful horse to support me.
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